Part 4 - The Truth About Being Gay in Sydney Australia

Choi Looses More Than Just His Mother

Ching's mother operated a small foreign exchange business from the lobby of a cockroach infested hotel in the centre of Johor Baru. At the end of every day she'd gleefully count up the cash and take it home to be locked in the safe buried deep in the confines of a small caged room. Several weeks later that day's takings would be carefully counted and methodically distributed with parts of it banked through various financial institutions, parts of it used as further cash for the business and the remaining distributed through the hotel's float. It was an unusual way of doing business.

For all the years Choi and I had been together he sent her close to $1000 a month. He told me it was pay back for everything his mother had done for him as a child (which seemed somehow ironic to me). She and her husband lived in a large 2 storey, 4 bedroom house in a newly gated community in Johor Baru which unfortunately still wasn't immune from daylight robberies.

It was about 10 years into our relationship that Choi's mother suddenly passed away. She had a haemorrhaging stomach ulcer and within days swiftly bled to death in her hospital bed (later Choi would tell me you never get sick in Malaysia because once you go to hospital you never come out alive). His sisters never told him about it as it occurred, it was a phone call from one of his high school buddies that alerted us, however by the time we were able to get any kind of information through a series of a dozen or more telephone calls to the hospital at which she was staying she'd passed away.

Of course I immediately arranged the flight for us to go to Johor Baru and we arrived the day she lay in state in her coffin under the carport in the front yard. Quickly one of his sisters ran towards us as we alighted from the taxi and rather than hug Choi to console him approached me directly with the instructions that I was not to sit near Choi, speak to Choi or acknowledge his family. If anyone asked me I was just a friend who came to keep him company on the plane. The process of Choi's mother laying in state continued for 5 days until her cremation. During this time many people came and left whilst all the time I wasn't even allowed to console my partner of 10 years.

Soon after the funeral the Will was read. Of course I wasn't made privy to any information until we were on the plane headed back to Sydney where Choi finally revealed the contents of the will.

Choi's mother had stated in her Will that a certain amount of cash was to be given to each sister, the house and it's contents would naturally remain with his father. Then the big shocker. Choi's mother had also stated that Choi must sell his apartment in Surry Hills and all proceeds of the sale be evenly distributed to each sister and Choi was to retain none of the money for himself. I was shocked and soon after so were all his friends when he told them.

Now keep in mind Choi's mother had no financial investment in the Surry Hills apartment. Her name did not appear anywhere on the bank loan, the property title or any other legal document related to the apartment. In fact both he and I had been paying off the bank loan during our 10 years together naturally enough even though we had never lived in it together we were still partners... a couple and that's what couples do. As far as Choi and his family were concerned I had no right to intervene on this ridiculous situation so I kept quiet.

Quite simply (and legally) it was not Choi's mother's apartment to sell, but pressured daily (and I mean every day since the funeral) by each of his sisters to sell as they were waiting for the money Choi sold the apartment within weeks.

Each of his four sisters did own their own homes at this time. Two had procured their homes through divorce and two were married with husbands. It blew my mind why they expected Choi to sell his home for their benefit. They didn't care that he would be left without his own home, all they were concerned about was the money they were to receive from it's subsequent sale. Clearly the apartment had sold for just over twice the value it was when he'd bought it 12 years earlier, but he did not retain a single dollar of it. His sisters demanded to see the actual bill of sale so they could be sure he was not short changing them when he handed over the money.

(next - Another Sister Another Ripoff)

Part 3 - The Truth About Being Gay in Sydney Australia

Meeting The Parents

I met Choi's mother within in the first few months of us dating one another. She flew over from Malaysia to stay at his apartment in Surry Hills for a couple of weeks. I recall Choi was very tense about his mother's arrival and wanted to make sure that all the foods she liked was stocked aplenty in his home.

She arrived on a Saturday afternoon and Choi wanted me to be there. I must admit I was apprehensive because for the weeks leading up to her arrival Choi had been a bundle of nerves. He asked me to wait at his apartment as he caught a cab to the airport to collect her.

Then the moment of her arrival. Choi threw open the door announcing the arrival of his mother and introduced her to me as "this is my mother" (and for the rest of the 14 years we were together I only ever knew her as that, Choi's mother).  In marched a stocky dark woman dressed in a light, button down cotton frock covered in faded blue flowers with the hem falling away in places. I recall her face with the moles and brown spots scattered all over. Immediately she glared at me as I walked forward to welcome her, my hand extended. She ignored my gesture and, without even a glance in my direction, spoke harshly to Choi in Chinese. Then immediately began to march around the apartment flicking the light switches on and off, running the taps and opening and closing cupboard doors (the way one would do if they were inspecting a home they were considering for rent or purchase).

For those entire two weeks Choi's mother was in Australia she never spoke a word of English so I assumed naturally that she couldn't. A year later I was to discover she spoke English just as good as I and understood it perfectly when on a our first annual visit to Malaysia she referred to me in Chinese as "gweilo" When I turned to Choi and asked him what did that mean his mother responded loudly as if announcing it to the entire room and in perfect English "it means foreign devil! That's what you are a foreign devil!" and proceeded to laugh as she repeated the word gweilo over and over. Needless to say this didn't endear me to Choi's mother at all and our relationship remained strained for ever after.

It was at this first visit to Malaysia I met Choi's father for the first time. He was a quiet old man with a smiling face. During our visits to the parents' home in Johor Baru his sisters and old school friends would come over. They would all sit around the dining room speaking in Chinese, eating and laughing and never once paid me any notice. It was as though I wasn't even there. I couldn't go out for a walk because the house was always locked shut with large steel gates over the entrance doors and windows (according to Choi the neighbourhood was quite dangerous and so this was a safety measure). We'd only ever stay a week before moving onto to Hong Kong or Thailand or some other destination (apparently it was my reward for persevering a week with his family even though I paid for the trip).

I remember one day during our second visit as I sat on the brown vinyl sofa staring at the Chinese calendar sticky taped to the beige painted wall while Choi, his sisters and mother sat at the dining table talking in Chinese to one another, Choi's father appeared from his own room and as he limped across the room towards the television he smiled at me, then switching on the television he searched for a channel that had some form of english on it, smiled and returned to his room again.

I dreaded going to Malaysia each year for new year, but it was something I actually insisted on because Choi's family would make no attempt to contact him (even on his birthdays) and I wanted him to always have some type of family relationship. Many times he would tell me to "let's skip it this year" but I would insist and duly purchase the tickets for us to go there. It took me 11 years before finally I had enough and would send him to Malaysia on his own each year.

I guess at this point you're wondering why on earth I would stay in a relationship surrounded by such family and friends? To be perfectly blunt because I loved him. In the early years he was very kind to me. He would often compliment me on my appearance, my cooking or my approach to day to day life. We would talk often about what we'd do together when we retired and where we would eventually buy a home together. I believed our relationship was to be forever.

Choi would tell me stories of his childhood and I felt sorry for him. He said they lived in a very small apartment in Johor Baru when he was growing up and whilst his sisters slept on individual beds he slept on a foam mattress on the floor. He told me how his mother bought 2 white shirts his first year he started high school that were very large in size so he would grow into them as he had to wear those shirts for the rest of his years at high school while his sisters all got new uniforms every year. Accordingly his sisters always went on school excursions, but Choi was never allowed.

Choi would tell me about the relationship he had before he met me was a violent one and the one prior to that with Terry was fraught with Terry's promiscuity. I pitied him and wanted to make him feel loved... and I did, I really did.

(next - Choi Looses More Than Just His Mother)