As Time Goes By

I've received several messages from mainly Sydney gay men who have been reading this blog. Of course no offer of support or exchange of stories have been made, instead there seems a sullen resentment about this blog. Apparently the raw honesty at which I am posting seems to have struck a nerve because the messages I am receiving have been nothing more than rude comments or nasty remarks concerning the break up of my long term relationship. I suppose I'm not very surprised because my experience with the Sydney gay public has taught me well.

For me the reality is that I hit the ground running when Choi chose to abandon me and throw me onto the street. I know that had he been placed in a similar situation he would never have survived the way I did.

These days I'm in a good place and more content than I have been for a very long time. Do I resent what Choi did to me? I guess not. I was thrown into chaos and came out of it a stronger, more realistic and honorable person. I don't waste my time and certainly couldn't be bothered with gay people (at least not here in Australia anyway). I found out who my real friends are and discovered a world of lies, fraud and cruelty that shouldn't exist. I'll leave that world for the gay men and women of Sydney who created it to scramble around in as that seems to be their choice and certainly not mine.

Many years ago I moved from the western suburbs to be in a relationship with a guy who never left the bubble of the gay world in the inner city suburbs of Sydney. My life changed forever and not necessarily for the best. I was behind before anyone would ever accept me as being just another member of the human race.

Being gay is not a privilege, it's not a choice and it's certainly not easy. But the people who make it that way are gay men and women themselves. Until they accept they are just like everybody else in Australia they will always be fighting a losing battle between themselves.

Goodbye My Lover

I always knew it would end....

Part 11 - The Truth About Being Gay in Sydney Australia

They refer to themselves as the "gay community" but when one of their own falls they all step back and let him hit the pavement with a thud.

So the simple fact was that when the 'you know what' hit the fan any gay friends I knew in Sydney during my 14 years with Ching Sim completely disappeared. They simple chose to pretend I had not existed. Sure I did try to call and email a couple of them a few times, but I never received replies.

In contrast gay friends I had made during that time overseas in New York, Canada and France all still remain in contact with me. We talk about our "today" lives and not about the past which is of course the best thing to do.

Yes I lost everything when Choi threw me out of the house. I lost all my family pictures that I had kept in photo albums (some of them were older than me), I lost any money I had saved because Choi insisted he control our finances. I had no furniture and only the clothes I could fit into a small bag.

Ching on the other hand moved out of the house with his new boyfriend to an apartment in the centre of Sydney called the "Lumiere Apartments" opposite Sydney Town Hall. I know this because I found a photocopy of the lease agreement the day I was packing my clothes (although the actual apartment number had been blacked out with a marker pen). I guess he wanted me to find it because he left it on the bed. Choi got all the furniture, all our money and all my personal possessions. I tried to get advise from people, but there was nowhere to turn. Legal advise was that I could do nothing because I wasn't in a legally recognised relationship and gay advocacy services simple had no idea what I should do.

I am fortunate to have some very good straight friends who during my hard times living in that shed visited me often and console me. They are still my closest friends to date and had it not been for the kindest of my heterosexual friends I think the road I had to travel would have been a much longer one.

Funny isn't it. They refer to themselves as the "gay community" but when one of their own falls they all step back and let him hit the pavement with a thud.

(to be continued...)

The Sydney Star Observer

Interestingly I sent an email to the editor of the Sydney Star Observer. Not for any reason other than I was merely trying once again to touch base with someone in gay Sydney and hopefully gain the addition of a local follower to this blog (most people following this blog are overseas).

This was the reply from Elias Jahshan the editor of Sydney Star Observer;

"I am not convinced this is newsworthy enough for a story in the paper just yet. Open to other ideas/angles in the future, though. Thanks for taking the time to send me an email about it. Hope it's a successful blog for you."

Say what?  Story in the newspaper? I had no expectations of my blog being mentioned in any gay publication, in fact that would be ironic lol. We all know how the Sydney gay ...er.... um.... well we know how non-communal it is. No I just wanted to introduce you to the blog Elias Jahshan, but thank you for expressing your self importance anyway.

Part 10 - The Truth About Being Gay in Sydney Australia - His Name Was Hank Part 2

It was the darkest and most loneliest point of my life

It was a Sunday evening a few weeks before the Easter long weekend. Choi had been out late again and I was in the kitchen doing the dishes for the meal I cooked for both of us. He walked in the front door and straight into the kitchen and without looking at me declared "I want out"

I felt a sudden feeling of ice run through my entire body. It was as if he told me I was going to die. Of course I suspected this day would come, but I hadn't secured a job yet and I had no money in my bank account (Choi insisted that he handle all the finances and any money we made was held in an account in his name). I recall I actually whimpered like a puppy that had been injured and all I could do was choke out "I love you" but he turned away and went upstairs. I stood there at the kitchen sink gripping it tightly as my knees felt weak and before I could summon the strength to follow him up the stairs Choi returned with a suitcase. "Pack your clothes and get out!" he demanded.

I was stunned. My mind began to race and suddenly I felt it go into some kind of robotic emergency mode and as I let go of the sink I'd been gripping I stood tall, facing Choi straight on I yelled "But I have no where to go". "Alright", he said coldly, "You have a week then if you're not out I'm changing the locks" and with that he walked out the front door.

I didn't see Choi again after that. The following day I borrowed some money and found a small run down self contained flat in the back yard of a dilapidated home. Before that week was over I left my home. I tried contacting Choi through his office and his mobile, but he didn't answer.

The following day I'd moved out of my home I returned to the house to try and salvage a few things I couldn't manage to carry (family photos and other personal effects). The front door was slightly open and I could hear the television. As I approached the door I could see there on the sofa were Choi and his new lover wrapped in each others arm watching the TV. They looked as though they'd been together for years. My heart sank as I looked over to the side of the sofa where several bags of clothing were sitting. The new guy had moved in.

A week later was the Easter long weekend. I decided I would confront Choi about what he'd done. So I went to the house. Oddly newspaper had been taped over all the windows and as I peered through the window through a split between the newspapers I saw the house was completely empty. Choi had moved. He'd timed it perfectly and to this day 4 years later I never heard from Choi again. It was like he died and I was left filling in the pieces of my life alone.

I tried to contact the gay people we knew mutually. I needed someone to talk to, someone to offer advise but none of them would speak to me. I did manage to speak to Terry some weeks later over the phone and he confessed a similar situation had occurred between him and Choi when their relationship ended but that was after only 4 years Choi and I had been together for 14 years. After that I never heard from anyone again despite my attempts to speak to them.

I was alone with no job and not even sure how I got to this point. For the first few weeks I lived on vegemite stirred into a glass of hot water. Partly because I had no money to buy groceries (you don't get unemployment cheques as soon as you apply for it) and partly because I was so desperately sad. I grew quite ill and  lost a considerable amount of weight.

I sat in that little run down shed I was renting wondering how the hell I got to this point in my life. It was the darkest and most loneliest point of my life...

(to be continued..)

Part 8 - The Truth About Being Gay in Sydney Australia - Gay Asians and Racism

Racist people are always the first to declare racism the loudest

Sticky rice, potato, rice queen, banana, all terms invented by gay asians yet for some reason they're always the first to scream racist amongst the rest of the gay population.

Take a look at this video below featuring Jimmy Chen on the Tyra Banks Show...

Notice how it's Jimmy, with a rye smile and defiant stare down the barrel of the camera lens, who immediately rattles off all those labels I've mentioned above.

It wasn't until I got to know gay asian men that I ever heard these terms used and to this day it's only ever gay asian men who I hear use them.

This idea of asian men supposedly hating themselves because they grew up in a predominantly Caucasian community is a self imposed ideal. Head on over to the Midnight Shift or any other gay bar and see who congregates together in a closed group separating the rest of the patrons by identifying themselves as somehow different to everyone else. I can tell you it's not the black or white gay people.

In this the 21st Century where the world is getting smaller and gay people are struggling to be identified as people who deserve the same rights and privileges as EVERY one else, gay asian men still sort to draw attention to themselves as separate to all those people and seemingly more deserving of attention than all other gay men. To this I say "get over it" and join a common course instead of beating a path to your own agenda.

It's those with racist issues themselves who cry racist the loudest.

Part 6 - The Truth About Being Gay in Sydney Australia

Try to understand gay people have less rights and are the most discriminated in Australia.

When my partner of 14 years threw me out having met a younger guy 20 years his junior I was left with nothing apart from the clothes on my back. He kept everything. There was not much I could do because unless I could afford a lengthy court hearing for which I would have to pay for a lawyer there are no laws in place that recognise my rights as a gay human being. Yes I know some people believe there is the "de-facto loophole" which basically states a couple who have lived together after a certain period of time are recognised as a partnership, but having tried putting that into practice I was up against a bigoted system for which I was at the mercy of people who didn't approve of gay relationships.

After the first 3 years we were living together I left my full time job to become a professional makeup artist, and I was quite successful too earning in two days what the average person at that time would earn in a fortnight. It all went fine for many years until (because it's an unregulated industry in Australia) every cosmetic consultant, avon lady and anyone else who cared to "give it a try" calls themselves a makeup artist, the value of a makeup artist dropped dramatically and I found myself being expected to work for free or at best for around $9 an hour. This didn't phase Choi who encouraged me to throw the business in as it was no longer profitable. So I searched for work and all I could get was retail, long thankless hours standing on my feet for up to 9 hours a day at minimum wages. Eventually Choi told me to stop working in that industry as he considered me to be better than that and besides at this stage he was earning $100K a year and according to him I didn't need to work.

Yes Choi was doing fine. I encouraged him to pursue his Masters degree. I cooked, cleaned and kept the house quiet while he studied. I drove him to Uni and would pick him up afterwards. I became a regular housewife much to my dismay.

I did everything for Choi. When he went through a confrontation at work I coached him on what he needed to say and how to avoid the consequences of an action he claimed were trumped up charges (He told me it was a computer problem he'd been having but later I was to discover the incident actually involved him being caught on a security camera in his office having sex with some guy).

I trusted him implicitly all the years we were together. In those final years when he'd work back late until around 11pm I believed his excuses when I asked why I could never reach him at his office after 6pm.

When he told me about his mother's Will I believed that too.

(to be continued...) 

Part 1 - The Truth About Being Gay in Sydney Australia

This blog is an honest account of my life as a gay person living in Sydney and what it is truly like in Australia as a gay person living in a multicultural relationship. I will reveal illegal activities of a family and the inadequacies of a so-called "gay action group" funded by the government which has become the self-proclaimed unofficial governing body of the Australian gay population yet is operated more like a gay mafia.

This is not my bitter pill hard to swallow. It is an honest and truthful revelation where having come to a junction in my life I've decided to share a real gay story, the kind a certain gay action group would prefer mainstream Australia doesn't know about.

I've changed the names of the people in this blog mainly to protect the innocent and reluctantly to protect the guilty.

If anyone reading this blog associates him or herself to any of the people I write about that is your cross to bear and may simply be coincidental.... or not. This blog is not written with the intent to offend, but more so to share an experience which I believe to be far too common in Sydney yet is over shadowed by the small band of constantly out spoken and self gratifying gay activists who may not necessarily represent the true quality of the average gay Australian.

My story is real and no doubt one of many, but I can only express mine and let those too afraid to speak out frankly for the fear of the backlash of the so-called "gay community" and it's powerful and very influential action group maybe read this blog and perhaps gain strength to be honest as well.


In 1994 I met a guy at the Albury Hotel which was Sydney's most popular gay bar. This was back during the time when there actually was a sense of community amongst gay people, but that's another blog post.

I'll refer to him as "Choi" a naturalised Australian from Johor Baru in Malaysia 6 years my senior (he was 34 at the time). We dated for a year before deciding to move in with each other.

However we weren't allowed to move into the apartment he owned in Surry Hills because his mother, who lived in Malaysia and had no financial investment in the apartment, had told him he couldn't. I thought this was odd, but respecting what I then thought was a cultural thing. We moved into a flat in Dulwich Hill instead.

We spent 14 years together. Most people we knew had assumed we were the couple that was going to be together for ever, but of course that was never to be. Partly because of his infidelities and mostly because of the constant interference from his sisters.

I have so much to write about in this blog concerning the illegal activities of the family who bent the law to suit their needs and worked hard to break down our relationship and I want so much to express the real nature of a gay relationship in Australia which underpins what really happens within the confines of the so-called "gay community" and it's unofficial governing body.

I'm not sure where to begin exactly so I will start with briefly outlining the story of a relationship that didn't simply breakdown, but was systematically destroyed by a family who's interests were based on their own material gain.

When Choi and I had moved in together I had a successful job, was renting a small house, owned all my own furniture and a car. My life was like any other person's living in Australia. By the time he threw me out 14 years later for a young asian boy 20 years his junior I was left with literally nothing apart from the clothes on my back and desperate to find a job.

He was never faithful. Within the first few months of us living together I watched in disbelief as he walked into the entrance of Signal (a gay cruising place on Riley St where people pay an entrance fee to engage in anonymous sex). I told him back then what I saw and he swore to never do it again. I trusted him.

His sisters were another story.

One sister was completing her Law Degree at Sydney University. She was married with two children. Her husband was relatively successful and they owned a modest apartment in Ultimo which a few years later they sold and upgraded to a more lavish one on Pitt St in Sydney.

This sister was doing her degree under the HECS scheme which back then was a government assisted payment scheme to pay your university fees. Students could defer payment of their university fees until such time when they had completed their degree and were working full time, then earning a certain annual salary at which time they would pay a percentage of what they owed during their income tax claim each financial year.

However she never paid the HECS. Once she had completed her degree she set up a law business in Johor Baru and her and her family returned to Malaysia. Law Degree under her arm and the Australian tax payer footing the bill.

Several years later she sent her eldest son back to Sydney to do the same thing, this time with a degree in economics. Two university educations thanks to the Australian Tax payer.

The sisters were never kind to me. Although they speak English as well as anyone whenever they were with us they spoke in Chinese. Often when we visited Choi was offered a meal while I remained obligated to sitting quietly perhaps with a glass of juice. Why did I put up with this you ask? Well I loved him and to me I considered I wasn't dating his sisters so to tolerate their bad behaviour was testimony to him just how much I cared for him.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In my next blog post I'll share the reaction of Choi's inner city gay friends to me. A guy from the outer suburbs who had never met a gay person before and had never been to Oxford St.

(next - are these people typically gay?)